i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
