this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
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Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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