Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
