i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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