He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
