He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
