You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
