i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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