So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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