I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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