I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
