Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
