I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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Are we still banned from the library?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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