Plan B is the new Plan A
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize