You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
