i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
