i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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