he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
