I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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