i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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