GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
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I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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