If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
