The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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