i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
