I looked at my own cervix.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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