i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
zippers are such a cool invention
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
