I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
