Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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