I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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