You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
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