I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
