I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
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in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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