Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
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So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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