'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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