I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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