my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
