my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
