Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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