we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
