Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my shit smells like andre
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
