forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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