My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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