This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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