I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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