at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
