I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
