dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up under a house in Key West
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