Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
