did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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