i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
