Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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