I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
