Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
