Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
