New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
