I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Randomize
