I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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